My relatives and close friends had known what had happened in my family. To repeat the story over and over again, it's like what this entry title says, it's like tearing my heart apart again and again. I'm not like my father and other insensitive relatives who's able to repeat this story umteen times like it's something to be proud of. Sickening.
My mother left us, on 5th Nov morning around 11am. My younger brother was still asleep, my elder brother went out to buy something, my maid was in the kitchen, my father went out to (supposedly) work and I was on my way home from Ben's place. My phone was running out of battery, so I switched it to super silent mode (w/o sound and vibration). When I alight at Khatib, checked my phone, realised there's 3 missed calls just a min or 2 ago. They're from my brothers and godfather. Called back home, nobody answer. Called my elder brother. I couldn't believe what I heard. My younger brother called back, it was confirmed. I called my godfather, he knew it then too. My mum jumped off the building. I was too taken aback to react. Called Ben to tell him but he could only hear me saying that my mum committed suicide and he was on his way down. Being an optimist, I was still hoping that she survived. Tears streamed down slowly while I gapsed for breath. I can hardly breathe. Walked at my fastest pace and managed to only run a few distance as I was running out of breath. In my heart, I prayed that my mum would be fine.
Somehow, the walk from the train station to my house seems to be longer than usual. On my way, another cousin called and asked me where I was and if I know what had happened. My hope was diminishing as I got nearer to my block. Saw the blue police tentage and a stretcher. I was eyeing on the stretcher hoping that my mother was on it, but no. My hope diminished. Heart sunk. Looking at the tentage, I screamed my hearts out, pulling my hair in distress. Devastated. Couldn't believe. Walked towards the tentage, wanting to see my mum's body, but was stopped by the police. They want me to calm down first. Sat on the stairs, feeling depressed and frustrated. I shouted in madarin scolding her for being a medium end up jumping to her death. My heart was filled with hatred, not towards her but to those who brought this upon her. Scolded the relatives for bringing her to some many temples that caused her to become so crazy. I know I was wrong to blame, but that was a clear fact.
Managed to calmed myself down after venting out my anger. Witness the police searching my mum's body and I took a last look at her. Her last expression, filled with pain and agony. What could I do, walked away in tears. Sat on the stairs again, in daze. Looking opposite my block, saw people gathering there looking at the tentage. I was super angry, but I help my composure. Asked the police to chase them away as I was not comfortable with them staring at the tentage, felt that it was very disrespectful to my mother. They were helpful and helped to chase them away. Why can't people be more considerate and sensitive towards others feeling. It's obvious that it's a suicide case and the daughter was right there feeling devasted upon seeing her dead body, is it really that entertaining to see such a scene? Wait till one day, you get involve in such a scene yourself, won't it be even more entertaining then?
I sat there for don't know how long and decided to go upstairs to show my concern to my brothers and maid. My father was still uncontactable then. He's phone is practically of no use, always uncontactable. Saw my didi, he was very traumatised too. I hugged him tightly and told him that no mama is not around anymore, we have to stay strong together. Looked for the maid and saw her crying. Consoled her and told her that it's nobody's fault and not to be too sad. Sat beside my elder brother, held his hand and apologised for not being home when the incident happened.
I was equally traumatised. Could really remembered what happened in between except that I walked out of my room to ask my relatives to stop discussing about the incident, to be more sensitive to us. Of course, being super gossipers, they soon started gossiping again but lowering down their volume. Then suddenly, they left my house and I thought they really left until the next day then I knew why they left. Ben came shortly after they left. He was to shocked to know what to do. But I felt better with him by my side.
For the funeral, I thought a Buddhist ceremony would be more appropriate for my mum cos she always wanted to become one, but due to my father's roots, she had to get involve in the toaist practices. Till the day she dies, my father still wants her to stay in this belief that caused her death and have no clues that she actually dislike the practise. Why? Because he's such a bossy and sucky husband who only cares about his own needs and wants and nothing else.
I asked my cousin to help me relay the message to my father and guess what? They say until like I forcefully want them to do a Buddhist funeral. Kao eh! Really very imaginative man. I really where their brains are man. Btw, "they" refer to those big mouthed uncles, aunties and my father. Fine, I swallow this accusation, just grumble and didn't make any scene. Peace.
After my mum's body was taken away and the police left, some relatives stayed on for awhile and left. My father's sister arrived at don't know when and start spouting insensitive words saying that we're all doom, no mother, we're going to be doom, blah blah blah. I stayed in the room, blood boiling with Ben calming me down. My elder brother slammed the door. Good job. I walked out of the room, forgotten for what reason le, and she started saying what why never look after my mum la.. blah blah blah... I could stop the volcano inside me, and erupted, telling her that she only know how to talk and she is in no position to comment. My father stood up for her sister scolding me for being disrespectful. Hello, who's being disrespectful. My mother has just died, not yours so keep you mouth shut. My elder brother exploded too. Shouted at them to shut their mouth up and now mama was gone, talk so much for what. If you all are wondering, this auntie is not really that close to my mama. In actual fact, all my father's side relative only know that my mama is a good wife but not in very close terms with her. They only take advantage of her kindness. So it's not insensible that we ask them to shut their bloody mouth up. They only know how to curse, no good words. No wonder all are so screwed up people, luckily we're more bonded to my mother's side.
After creating so much scene, my impression in those relatives were tarnish and I'm the rebellious one. Since I'm the bad guy, then I shall be that all the way. During the Buddhist Chanting ceremony, I left after the 7th page of the sutra. I was seriously pissed off with that guy who kept pointing at the book I was holding and forcing me to chant. I just kept my mouth shut and wanted to kept my cool. After the 2nd page, I told myself, if he do it again on the next page, I would leave. He did it again. On the 3rd, 4th and 5th page, I told myself to endure. On the 6th page, I was super pissed cos he started circling the words he point on the book. I passed him back the sutra and walked away. I'm not a Buddhist and the fact that I sat there to hear the chants, I'd given enough face and respect. You chose to be an irritant so I just had to embarass you. My brother and other cousins were pissed with him too. But I was the only one to walk away cos I only believe in the Lord. Whatever that I do at the funeral, it's just to follow the flow.
But maybe due to the fact that I had told my mother that I'd jump down with her if she jumped (during the period when she had serious depression), no relatives dares to test my patience. And for that auntie, she just siam whenever she sees me. No one dares to comment. Even if they comment, I'll just shoot them back.
I believe most know that I'm stepping into Christianity, thus those practices during the funeral I was very reluctant to follow. But nevermind, only for that few days, I endure with it. While holding the joss sticks and buring the papers overnight, I prayed. And I know that the Lord will understand the situation that I was in and forgive me. Everyday, I chose to take the overnight shift so that I can avoid the crowd that come and pay my mama their last visits. I don't like the noise they create and the things they talk about during the funeral. I just want my mama to have peace. During the night, it was most peaceful, my mama (if she could hear) don't have to feel guilty while hearing those insensible adults spouting nonesense. While buring the joss paper in the night, my cousins would stay up with me and we would have a light and cheerful conversation. That's what my mama wants to see.
Throughout the furneral, 3 of us were very strong. Not much tears shed, except for me crying when I first see my mama lying in the coffin. My father, I didn't really care. Crocodile tears, that's all I can say. If he really loved my mother, she wouldn't have suffered so much. What's the use of continuously crying over my mama's dead body. I hated those who cried non-stop. I repeated this unteem times too, I want my mama to leave in peace, to know that we're strong without her. I don't want to keep her. What's the point? She can't do anything now. If she were to stay, she'll only be guilty and feel irresponsible for leaving us behind. What's the point? Please let her leave peacefully for paradise, where she needs to suffer no more.
Till the day she was cremated, we held back our tears, 3 of us. Except for me again la. I was consoling those who cried telling them that we should be happy that mama is in paradise now, don't cry and let mama go peacefully. Until the last cousin I consoled, I was affected and tears streamed down, but I held back the rest. You may think it's bad, but I feel that it's good for my mother. 3 of us, stood strong in front of my mother, without tears, to send this one united message to her. Leave peacefully, without guilt nor regrets, as 3 of us will always stand strong and support each other. I believe she received the message and left peacefully. Today it's the 7th day. I'm praying very hard that her soul/spirit won't be back. For in the Bible it's stated the the body returns to the Earth, spirit returns to the Lord while the Soul will be casted to hell. These 3 parts together is my mother, but when separated, they are nothing but my mama's carcass. My mama has gone, so nothing should come back. Whatever that returns will be the evil spirit that caused her death. My father don't want to face this fact, still continue to worship. Till death will he see what is he really worshipping. Nothing else but the devil.
Perhaps after reading till here, you may think that my mother is very irresponsible and whatever, but nobody has the rights to criticise her. She's the best mother and will always be loved in our hearts. She didn't choose to take her own life. It wasn't her doing. If she really wanted to die, why would she leave the safe lock when everything important is inside, why would she continue to buy life insurrance for herself when it's not claimable, why would she leave so many things undone to be handled by her 3 children, why did she changed her appointment with her psychiatrist........ She's not an irresponsible mother. It's the evil spirit that claimed her life. Her craziness started after she got herself to become a medium just because other mediums claimed that she should be one. To those who believe in this kind of spirits, please give a second thought. Are they really worth worshipping? Is it out of faith or FEAR. If they're really that holy, why do they need those joss sticks, papers and other offerings in return to the "favour" they do for you. What exactly are you worshipping? Wake up, before it's too late.
I was already thinking of introducing the Lord to my mama a few more years later when I can really understand this religion. But it was too late. To those who had spoken to my mama before her death, nobody will expect her to have jumped cos she looked well. Nothing seems wrong with her. During her craziest state, almost every day, every hour, she would say she want to die, tried to bite her tongue, said she want to jump down the building, but she didn't. Perhaps it was because I help her hand while she was asleep then and prayed for her. To me, the Lord did helped my mama. He prolonged her life, made her had the will to continue living. But the battle between my mama and the evil spirit needs to come to an end. My mother lost. But we're proud of her. We know that she fought hard. She may be concious when she jumped as she called my nephew to tell him to split her assest into 4, but the evil was in control of her actions. I admit I blamed her at first, but later I came to realise it wasn't her. Through prayers, I see the truth. Through prayers, it gave me the courage to be myself. Through prayers, I'm able to stand strong. Through prayers, I understand that she jumped at that time cos none of us will realise. Furthermore, would she want to leave with the regret of not seeing her dearest daughter for one last time? Of course not, she's afraid that if I see her jump, I would follow. She loves us very much and couldn't bear to leave us, but she just wasn't in control of herself.
To those who had read the news articles and choose to believe those bullshit, I can only say that you are stupid. To the stupid ones who entertain those reporters, HYPOCRITES.
Thank you friends for trying to be by my side. Thank you cousins for standing by us. Thank you, my beloved Gong Gong for constantly praying for us. Thank you Lord for holding my hand when I reached out for you. Thank you mama for loving us, for we're able to stay so strong cos we drew strength from your love for us. I believe you've left in peace.
My mother left us, on 5th Nov morning around 11am. My younger brother was still asleep, my elder brother went out to buy something, my maid was in the kitchen, my father went out to (supposedly) work and I was on my way home from Ben's place. My phone was running out of battery, so I switched it to super silent mode (w/o sound and vibration). When I alight at Khatib, checked my phone, realised there's 3 missed calls just a min or 2 ago. They're from my brothers and godfather. Called back home, nobody answer. Called my elder brother. I couldn't believe what I heard. My younger brother called back, it was confirmed. I called my godfather, he knew it then too. My mum jumped off the building. I was too taken aback to react. Called Ben to tell him but he could only hear me saying that my mum committed suicide and he was on his way down. Being an optimist, I was still hoping that she survived. Tears streamed down slowly while I gapsed for breath. I can hardly breathe. Walked at my fastest pace and managed to only run a few distance as I was running out of breath. In my heart, I prayed that my mum would be fine.
Somehow, the walk from the train station to my house seems to be longer than usual. On my way, another cousin called and asked me where I was and if I know what had happened. My hope was diminishing as I got nearer to my block. Saw the blue police tentage and a stretcher. I was eyeing on the stretcher hoping that my mother was on it, but no. My hope diminished. Heart sunk. Looking at the tentage, I screamed my hearts out, pulling my hair in distress. Devastated. Couldn't believe. Walked towards the tentage, wanting to see my mum's body, but was stopped by the police. They want me to calm down first. Sat on the stairs, feeling depressed and frustrated. I shouted in madarin scolding her for being a medium end up jumping to her death. My heart was filled with hatred, not towards her but to those who brought this upon her. Scolded the relatives for bringing her to some many temples that caused her to become so crazy. I know I was wrong to blame, but that was a clear fact.
Managed to calmed myself down after venting out my anger. Witness the police searching my mum's body and I took a last look at her. Her last expression, filled with pain and agony. What could I do, walked away in tears. Sat on the stairs again, in daze. Looking opposite my block, saw people gathering there looking at the tentage. I was super angry, but I help my composure. Asked the police to chase them away as I was not comfortable with them staring at the tentage, felt that it was very disrespectful to my mother. They were helpful and helped to chase them away. Why can't people be more considerate and sensitive towards others feeling. It's obvious that it's a suicide case and the daughter was right there feeling devasted upon seeing her dead body, is it really that entertaining to see such a scene? Wait till one day, you get involve in such a scene yourself, won't it be even more entertaining then?
I sat there for don't know how long and decided to go upstairs to show my concern to my brothers and maid. My father was still uncontactable then. He's phone is practically of no use, always uncontactable. Saw my didi, he was very traumatised too. I hugged him tightly and told him that no mama is not around anymore, we have to stay strong together. Looked for the maid and saw her crying. Consoled her and told her that it's nobody's fault and not to be too sad. Sat beside my elder brother, held his hand and apologised for not being home when the incident happened.
I was equally traumatised. Could really remembered what happened in between except that I walked out of my room to ask my relatives to stop discussing about the incident, to be more sensitive to us. Of course, being super gossipers, they soon started gossiping again but lowering down their volume. Then suddenly, they left my house and I thought they really left until the next day then I knew why they left. Ben came shortly after they left. He was to shocked to know what to do. But I felt better with him by my side.
For the funeral, I thought a Buddhist ceremony would be more appropriate for my mum cos she always wanted to become one, but due to my father's roots, she had to get involve in the toaist practices. Till the day she dies, my father still wants her to stay in this belief that caused her death and have no clues that she actually dislike the practise. Why? Because he's such a bossy and sucky husband who only cares about his own needs and wants and nothing else.
I asked my cousin to help me relay the message to my father and guess what? They say until like I forcefully want them to do a Buddhist funeral. Kao eh! Really very imaginative man. I really where their brains are man. Btw, "they" refer to those big mouthed uncles, aunties and my father. Fine, I swallow this accusation, just grumble and didn't make any scene. Peace.
After my mum's body was taken away and the police left, some relatives stayed on for awhile and left. My father's sister arrived at don't know when and start spouting insensitive words saying that we're all doom, no mother, we're going to be doom, blah blah blah. I stayed in the room, blood boiling with Ben calming me down. My elder brother slammed the door. Good job. I walked out of the room, forgotten for what reason le, and she started saying what why never look after my mum la.. blah blah blah... I could stop the volcano inside me, and erupted, telling her that she only know how to talk and she is in no position to comment. My father stood up for her sister scolding me for being disrespectful. Hello, who's being disrespectful. My mother has just died, not yours so keep you mouth shut. My elder brother exploded too. Shouted at them to shut their mouth up and now mama was gone, talk so much for what. If you all are wondering, this auntie is not really that close to my mama. In actual fact, all my father's side relative only know that my mama is a good wife but not in very close terms with her. They only take advantage of her kindness. So it's not insensible that we ask them to shut their bloody mouth up. They only know how to curse, no good words. No wonder all are so screwed up people, luckily we're more bonded to my mother's side.
After creating so much scene, my impression in those relatives were tarnish and I'm the rebellious one. Since I'm the bad guy, then I shall be that all the way. During the Buddhist Chanting ceremony, I left after the 7th page of the sutra. I was seriously pissed off with that guy who kept pointing at the book I was holding and forcing me to chant. I just kept my mouth shut and wanted to kept my cool. After the 2nd page, I told myself, if he do it again on the next page, I would leave. He did it again. On the 3rd, 4th and 5th page, I told myself to endure. On the 6th page, I was super pissed cos he started circling the words he point on the book. I passed him back the sutra and walked away. I'm not a Buddhist and the fact that I sat there to hear the chants, I'd given enough face and respect. You chose to be an irritant so I just had to embarass you. My brother and other cousins were pissed with him too. But I was the only one to walk away cos I only believe in the Lord. Whatever that I do at the funeral, it's just to follow the flow.
But maybe due to the fact that I had told my mother that I'd jump down with her if she jumped (during the period when she had serious depression), no relatives dares to test my patience. And for that auntie, she just siam whenever she sees me. No one dares to comment. Even if they comment, I'll just shoot them back.
I believe most know that I'm stepping into Christianity, thus those practices during the funeral I was very reluctant to follow. But nevermind, only for that few days, I endure with it. While holding the joss sticks and buring the papers overnight, I prayed. And I know that the Lord will understand the situation that I was in and forgive me. Everyday, I chose to take the overnight shift so that I can avoid the crowd that come and pay my mama their last visits. I don't like the noise they create and the things they talk about during the funeral. I just want my mama to have peace. During the night, it was most peaceful, my mama (if she could hear) don't have to feel guilty while hearing those insensible adults spouting nonesense. While buring the joss paper in the night, my cousins would stay up with me and we would have a light and cheerful conversation. That's what my mama wants to see.
Throughout the furneral, 3 of us were very strong. Not much tears shed, except for me crying when I first see my mama lying in the coffin. My father, I didn't really care. Crocodile tears, that's all I can say. If he really loved my mother, she wouldn't have suffered so much. What's the use of continuously crying over my mama's dead body. I hated those who cried non-stop. I repeated this unteem times too, I want my mama to leave in peace, to know that we're strong without her. I don't want to keep her. What's the point? She can't do anything now. If she were to stay, she'll only be guilty and feel irresponsible for leaving us behind. What's the point? Please let her leave peacefully for paradise, where she needs to suffer no more.
Till the day she was cremated, we held back our tears, 3 of us. Except for me again la. I was consoling those who cried telling them that we should be happy that mama is in paradise now, don't cry and let mama go peacefully. Until the last cousin I consoled, I was affected and tears streamed down, but I held back the rest. You may think it's bad, but I feel that it's good for my mother. 3 of us, stood strong in front of my mother, without tears, to send this one united message to her. Leave peacefully, without guilt nor regrets, as 3 of us will always stand strong and support each other. I believe she received the message and left peacefully. Today it's the 7th day. I'm praying very hard that her soul/spirit won't be back. For in the Bible it's stated the the body returns to the Earth, spirit returns to the Lord while the Soul will be casted to hell. These 3 parts together is my mother, but when separated, they are nothing but my mama's carcass. My mama has gone, so nothing should come back. Whatever that returns will be the evil spirit that caused her death. My father don't want to face this fact, still continue to worship. Till death will he see what is he really worshipping. Nothing else but the devil.
Perhaps after reading till here, you may think that my mother is very irresponsible and whatever, but nobody has the rights to criticise her. She's the best mother and will always be loved in our hearts. She didn't choose to take her own life. It wasn't her doing. If she really wanted to die, why would she leave the safe lock when everything important is inside, why would she continue to buy life insurrance for herself when it's not claimable, why would she leave so many things undone to be handled by her 3 children, why did she changed her appointment with her psychiatrist........ She's not an irresponsible mother. It's the evil spirit that claimed her life. Her craziness started after she got herself to become a medium just because other mediums claimed that she should be one. To those who believe in this kind of spirits, please give a second thought. Are they really worth worshipping? Is it out of faith or FEAR. If they're really that holy, why do they need those joss sticks, papers and other offerings in return to the "favour" they do for you. What exactly are you worshipping? Wake up, before it's too late.
I was already thinking of introducing the Lord to my mama a few more years later when I can really understand this religion. But it was too late. To those who had spoken to my mama before her death, nobody will expect her to have jumped cos she looked well. Nothing seems wrong with her. During her craziest state, almost every day, every hour, she would say she want to die, tried to bite her tongue, said she want to jump down the building, but she didn't. Perhaps it was because I help her hand while she was asleep then and prayed for her. To me, the Lord did helped my mama. He prolonged her life, made her had the will to continue living. But the battle between my mama and the evil spirit needs to come to an end. My mother lost. But we're proud of her. We know that she fought hard. She may be concious when she jumped as she called my nephew to tell him to split her assest into 4, but the evil was in control of her actions. I admit I blamed her at first, but later I came to realise it wasn't her. Through prayers, I see the truth. Through prayers, it gave me the courage to be myself. Through prayers, I'm able to stand strong. Through prayers, I understand that she jumped at that time cos none of us will realise. Furthermore, would she want to leave with the regret of not seeing her dearest daughter for one last time? Of course not, she's afraid that if I see her jump, I would follow. She loves us very much and couldn't bear to leave us, but she just wasn't in control of herself.
To those who had read the news articles and choose to believe those bullshit, I can only say that you are stupid. To the stupid ones who entertain those reporters, HYPOCRITES.
Thank you friends for trying to be by my side. Thank you cousins for standing by us. Thank you, my beloved Gong Gong for constantly praying for us. Thank you Lord for holding my hand when I reached out for you. Thank you mama for loving us, for we're able to stay so strong cos we drew strength from your love for us. I believe you've left in peace.
