Monday, May 9, 2011

Filial Piety towards a Jerk? He doesn't even deserve empathy!

I'm heartless and remain this way towards that jerk. No matter how ill he'll get, I won't give a damn. I've learnt from my past mistakes, to never ever forgive him.

Outsiders see us as unfilial and heartless or whatsoever, but we're not going to change. He doesn't deserve any good from us. If you're saying we should repay him from bringing us up, sad to say, he didn't. He only left deep wounds inside our childhood.

My bro was accused of stealing his money at the age of 13 or 14. Do you know what he did? That jerk went all the way to school and told the principal the my bro stole his money! Will any parent do that to humiliate his child?! He did. And guess where the money was found? He hid it underneath a shelf and forgotten that he put it there. Ridiculous!

Then comes to my younger brother. He was the youngest thus we dote him a lot. He was never under the cane, untill one day that jerk hit him with a belt for don't know what reason. He was super traumatised then. But he's forgiving.

As for me, I've tolerated him for umteen times. Despite knowing that he betrayed my mother for unknown number of times, taking what I did for him for granted for so many occasions and bringing my mother so much hardship, I forgave him again and again. Everyone who has eyes would have seen how much I tried to help in the past.

Other than scarring our childhood, he haven't contributed financially to the family. All the money he earned, is just for his own survival. Spend the money on betting and women. Even if he did give my money, he has already taken all back and taking even more than he should. How much do you think the Kueh business earn? Bearly enough to cover our family expenditure then. Though he made the kueh, he was paid by my mother $1k every month. Imagine, $1k from this small business. Where did the $1k go? To bets and women again. My mother just act ignorant, let him anyhow spend.

He was jailed a few years back. For what reason? Being a "Tua Pek Gong" for a massage centre where the women inside engage in more intimate business. For your info, "Tua Pek Gong" means you register as the boss of a company but in actual fact, you are not the real boss. The business enaged is illegal thus the real boss need to find a fighure head to help him carry the blame if the illegal business is caught. Stupid right?! When we visited him, he complained about how unbearable it was to stay in the jail, unlike the previous time when he commented that the bed was good and food was nice. He asked my mother to raise money to bail him out. And of course my mother did to minimise his days in prison.

We thought he repented and maybe would be a good husband when the Kueh business started. But he became more yayapapaya. Keep showing off to people how good he was in doing this business, not crediting any to my mother. My mother was the one who perfected the recipe for the Kueh, but he claimed all the credit. Nevermind, my mother bear with it. But he continued to frequent geylang. How we know? The parking fines he got were mostly in Geylang. Would anyone believe that he went there just to look for friends? My mother turned a blind eye and just helped him paid for all fines.

Playing with women outside was tolerable to my mother. But he crossed the line by fooling around with the maid. Yes, a maid. Not one but two. But my mother acted ignorant too until the second maid accuse him of molestation. My mother really broke down then. Outsiders thought that it was because the business was failing that caused financial problem, but the fact was he created this trouble. He fooled around with the first maid and was jealous that the maid was lying on another man's bed, after cooking the kueh, and sent her back to indo out of anger. And guess what, the maid was pregnant for 1 month when she returned to indo for less than a month. My mother suspected that it was his child, and quarelled with him, but he denied. Then, I thought my mother was oversupicious. But it all made sense to me now. About the molestation, as the first maid was gone, the second maid became his target. The second maid ran away to the embassy and wanted to sue him. But my mother fork out $10k of more to stuff the maids mouth.

Just bearly half a month, my mother suffered losses through failing business as the quality of the kueh couldn't be maintained and wasting $10k over just to save that jerk from jail term. Technically, it was correct to say that my mother suffered depression due to financial problem, but the actual fact was she was so disappointed in that jerk.

My mother married him in 1981 at the age of 21, when she was so young and definitely had alot of suitors. But she chose him as outsiders told her that she should be married to him, and since she had given her everything, she was married to him. Nobody knows that she still hold the grudge of having to abort so many times during the 5 years courtship. She said before that she had nightmares. I believe she regretted marrying to him. But she had very traditional woman and divorce was never an option even if she mention it during a quarrel. I regretted seeing the fact only when I grew up. If not, she might be more daring to accept the fact that she should divorce him. When we grew up, it was too late. She had the misconception that we grew up because we had a complete family. But the fact is because we had a wonderful mother who could make up for the loss of fatherly love.

For 29years, she had suffered so much. She deserves to have a good retirement in less than 10years time. But she was pushed to the corner and death was the only option she saw to let us have a comfortable life. It was a wrong decision of hers. But she still a good mother. Yesterday was Mother's Day and believe she came back. Or at least she heard me and casused that jerk to be ill. I'm queitly happy that punishment for him is coming. And I see hope that there'll be justice, for my mother who chosen death due to an ungrateful, incapable and heartless husband. His retribution will be to suffer the same pain that my mother had suffered, we won't love or care about him, like he never love and care about my mother but put up an act when she was dying.

Say all you want people, but you are not in our shoes and we won't be like my mother, listen to outsiders advice and regret for 30 years.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Dual Character

It's going to be 6 months soon. Half a year... I just can't let go.

My purpose of this post is not for anyone to give me any word of concern or whatsoever. Just felt the need to let those who read this to know that I'm not how I look. Perhaps it's to prevent you all to feel extremely shock and disappointed when I finally break down one day.

To those around me, nothing seems wrong with me. I still carry on my life just that I have no mood for anything, no more drive. The hatred towards that jerk just builds up each day, in fact, each second. His presence and sickening voice, just makes my heart boils. I can feel my heart shivering, like a volcano that's going to erupt.

I should not let this grudge stay in me, I know. But how can I let go? Nobody understand the pain and I don't ask for anybody to understand this pain, but I hate it when I'm ask to be strong and not to break ties with that jerk. I'll be sick in the mind if I were to tolerate living with this jerk.

My cousins have been helping us out with the assests my mama left. I'm really thankful for their help but I feel that their mentality is quite screwed. Want us to let that jerk stay in this house and we're not suppose to chase him out no matter what stupid things he do?!!! I'd rather die man! Before my mama passed away, she instructed them to help with the assests. But she's already dead and they want to keep us together cos she instructed them. I don't know how to explain to them, I'll just keep silent, my logic and theirs just clash.

Why did my mama choose the path? I never blame her and she's still the mama I love the most in my heart. I know why she did it, cos I know her pain. Now, I'm suffering the pain for her cos I need to face that jerk. Yes, she did it to escape from that jerk, from the fact that she's failed to find a good husband. Then why did she still want us to be with that jerk? Like what she always told me, till the day she died she still can't forgo the love she has for him. She just want us to continue to take care of him cos she doesn't want to owe him anything. I'd tried convincing her to divorce, but she didn't want to as she believes in recarnation and didn't want to owe him anything and repay him in the next life.

But I'm not going to suffer like my mama. Since they don't want us to kick him out. We'll move out. Everyday, I'd hope that we no longer have to face that jerk. But day by day, we have to face the reality.

This life is ours and we choose to do what we do. Sorry cousins if you all don't agree to, if such things happen to you all, I doubt you all can be so tolerant. Things that are right may be wrong, vice versa. I appreciate all that you all have done, but I shall remain silent from now.

I'm strong and tolerant on the surface, but deep down, I'm vengeful and depressed.