Maybe you do not know, once in a while, I'd pop by your blog still. I believe I'm not the only one concerned about your inner thoughts. It pains to see those painful entries in your blog but it's definitely a good way to vent your emotions, so do continue to write. Sometimes, it's easier to pen down thoughts than to confide to someone. I knew all the troubles you were facing and the extent of them, but I didn't know you felt suicidal, which is the reason why I'm dedicating this post to you. I'm a good listener but may not be a good adviser as I'm not good in my speech too, so like you, penning it down will be much better.
Let me share my opinion on getting a degree. When I first enrolled into SIM, very reluctantly, I thought I was doing it as my mother always expected us to enter uni. Since I can't get into local uni, it's just too bad that I have to end up in a school which I never considered before. First year was bad cos I wasn't motivated to study at all, AT ALL(must emphasise, lol!). I asked myself why should I pursue this useless degree when I've already planned to start my own business. Like you, I don't have high expectations in life like pursuing high positions or whatever, just merely want to lead a normal and satisfying life doing what I like. Pursuing this degree is so that I won't fail those people around me-friends, family and relatives.
But my mother's passing woke me up. I had new responsibility-to be a sis-mum to my younger brother. I have to secure my own future in order to carry on this responsibility. I need financial stability. I could have just venture into my business but I'm not a risk taker. The slow and steady way is to have a degree as a back-up. This 'useless' degree is not so useless afterall, it is my trump card if my business fail. I have a set a good example for him too. I had failed terribly in my A levels, this is the last chance I have in SIM to pick myself back up on the academic path. Education is important and I would never want to see him walking my path or refuse to pick himself up if he happen to fail. I see how important this paper is. It's a certificate of a good role model to your juniors(or your children in the future), and of course financial stability.
All of a sudden, I realise that the expectations from others are 'imaginative'. The only one who has expectations for me is me-myself only. It's only when I loss the one who's closest, the one whom I thought I was doing all these for, that I realise that they are just excuses. Why do I say this? Cos ultimately I'm the only one who will be directly affected whether or not I get the degree. Your parents don't need your degree to survive. Your relatives and friends won't be affected whether or not you get the paper. I learnt expectations from people are just merely saying words of encouragement, so I learnt to take it lightly. I work towards my own goal instead of those 'expectations. I feel so much happier pursuing this degree for myself. Of course the fact that this piece of paper will be a good role model for my didi also encourage me to continue on in this course.
What I want to tell you is to study for yourself. If your family is your motivation, let them motivate you and not make you stress. In fact, those people whom you feel are having high expectations for you are Godsent. They are meant to encourage you, but you turned these expectations into stress. The Lord has always been with you, doing wonders in your life. You're so caught up in your stressful world that you fail to appreciate little things He is doing for you.
God gave us free will, that why He gave you the choice between SIT and NTU. At first it was only SIT, why did NTU suddenly grant you the scholarship. I believe you prayed when deciding which uni to enrol in. You wanted NTU to be in the choice too, that's why the Lord granted you the opportunity to earn the scholarship from NTU, and you got it. To me, I believe that the Lord didn't specifically lead you to choose any of the institute. He wants you to make your own decision, and from them, He will lead you on. So it's wrong of you to say that you haven't listen to Him by making the choice to enter NTU. You are disobedient to Him by blaming yourself for making the wrong choice and not having faith that He will help you through your struggles. Satan has gotten all over you, conquered your mind with those evil thoughts. Ending your own life is the starting of greater tortures in hell and even hellish life for the loved ones you leave behind. Never entertain such thoughts.
The Lord is trying to talk to you, to teach you how to pull through these struggles. Cf and I had the thought of studying with you at the same time. We didn't dare to propose to each other the plan to study with you due to the passed incident. Eventually, we told each other about it and was surprised that we shared the same thought. I believe this thought was not coincidental. We are some of the people the Lord has planted. I don't know about other's mission, but I believe our mission is to bring you back to the house of the Lord as you need Him the most now. Cry out to Him, but open your ears wide to receive His words too.
Time to end this long post. If you feel comfortable to confide to me, feel free to bombard me with messages or call me. I'm more than happy to lend an ear. =D
